Well it is Friday, its even pay day, and the money is already gone. I'm so tired of being broke. But broke as I am I can't feel too sorry for myself. The state the economy is in has done wonders for me believe it or not. I've always been one of those people that constantly wants things. I get a new car and a month later I'm ready for a new one. I move into a new house and am ready to move back out a few months later. I have a miracle baby and want four more. I think it is human nature to want what we don't have. Unfortunately in the past I would get what I wanted no matter the cost and it put my family into debt, causing a rift in my marriage and stress that I attribute to a plethora of my health problems. Now that the debt is gone, for the most part, I find myself wanting more and more and more. But the beauty of this is that I've learned a bit of self control. I believe that I can attribute this self control to growing up but it is something I struggle and work with every single day of my life. I've had to learn to leave my credit cards at home, to create and stick to a budget, to stop eating out, and not to spoil Bug with every toy he fancies. I've learned to appreciate the gas guzzling bitch of a Suburban I drive. It is uneconomical and terrible for the environment but I can't get rid of it because we are upside down. We are upside down on it because I kept trading in vehicle after vehicle for it, never happy with what I had. Now I have 3 1/2 years left to pay on it and once it is paid off I will OWN it, I've never really owned a vehicle outright before, except our $300 Chevy but even that took me six months to pay off. So I love my Suburban. I love the butt warming seats, the roomy interior, and its reliability. I love that we can take off camping in it and fit all of our friends in one vehicle. I love that I can see over all of the cars parked on the side of the street instead of having to just hope I'm not pulling in front of oncoming traffic.
In addition to my Suburban I've been obsessed lately with moving. I want so much to purchase a new home, I hate renting. The house we live in is so old and crappy, loud and mouldy, and there are spiders all over downstairs! But you know what, its cheap rent, great landlords, and roomy. Although it was my goal to be out of here by this summer I have decided to stick it out for one more year, until we really can afford what I want. This was a VERY hard decision for me, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for making this decision...on my own!
Finally, because of our fertility issues I've become even more thankful for the miracle that is my son. I love him so much and knowing how truly spectacular and unlikely it is that he is here makes me appreciate every minute detail that is my son. I know someday I'll be blessed with another baby, but Bug will always be a wonder. Created out of love not from doctors and drugs and tubes. Of course our next baby will be created out of love as well but in a very different and much more expensive way.
So I guess the point of all of this is a reflection. I'm learning and growing and I'm pretty proud of myself. I live day to day, counting pennies like never before but I'm learning something very valuable. To appreciate what I have, to love the people I'm with, and to be thankful for the roof over my head. I know that I have it much better than most, and thanks to this economy I've found a new appreciation for all I have.
When Life Gets Weird
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