Its Friday and I'm broke

Well it is Friday, its even pay day, and the money is already gone. I'm so tired of being broke. But broke as I am I can't feel too sorry for myself. The state the economy is in has done wonders for me believe it or not. I've always been one of those people that constantly wants things. I get a new car and a month later I'm ready for a new one. I move into a new house and am ready to move back out a few months later. I have a miracle baby and want four more. I think it is human nature to want what we don't have. Unfortunately in the past I would get what I wanted no matter the cost and it put my family into debt, causing a rift in my marriage and stress that I attribute to a plethora of my health problems. Now that the debt is gone, for the most part, I find myself wanting more and more and more. But the beauty of this is that I've learned a bit of self control. I believe that I can attribute this self control to growing up but it is something I struggle and work with every single day of my life. I've had to learn to leave my credit cards at home, to create and stick to a budget, to stop eating out, and not to spoil Bug with every toy he fancies. I've learned to appreciate the gas guzzling bitch of a Suburban I drive. It is uneconomical and terrible for the environment but I can't get rid of it because we are upside down. We are upside down on it because I kept trading in vehicle after vehicle for it, never happy with what I had. Now I have 3 1/2 years left to pay on it and once it is paid off I will OWN it, I've never really owned a vehicle outright before, except our $300 Chevy but even that took me six months to pay off. So I love my Suburban. I love the butt warming seats, the roomy interior, and its reliability. I love that we can take off camping in it and fit all of our friends in one vehicle. I love that I can see over all of the cars parked on the side of the street instead of having to just hope I'm not pulling in front of oncoming traffic.

In addition to my Suburban I've been obsessed lately with moving. I want so much to purchase a new home, I hate renting. The house we live in is so old and crappy, loud and mouldy, and there are spiders all over downstairs! But you know what, its cheap rent, great landlords, and roomy. Although it was my goal to be out of here by this summer I have decided to stick it out for one more year, until we really can afford what I want. This was a VERY hard decision for me, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for making this decision...on my own!

Finally, because of our fertility issues I've become even more thankful for the miracle that is my son. I love him so much and knowing how truly spectacular and unlikely it is that he is here makes me appreciate every minute detail that is my son. I know someday I'll be blessed with another baby, but Bug will always be a wonder. Created out of love not from doctors and drugs and tubes. Of course our next baby will be created out of love as well but in a very different and much more expensive way.

So I guess the point of all of this is a reflection. I'm learning and growing and I'm pretty proud of myself. I live day to day, counting pennies like never before but I'm learning something very valuable. To appreciate what I have, to love the people I'm with, and to be thankful for the roof over my head. I know that I have it much better than most, and thanks to this economy I've found a new appreciation for all I have.

Quicken Online Sucks!!!!

I recently changed banks and was very sad to find out that my new bank did not have an online register, one where you can enter pending transactions and see spending reports, etc. Then I found Quicken online! It looked great, a less extravagant version of Quicken at home, accessible from anywhere, and did I mention FREE??? I was so excited and spent an entire afternoon transferring all of my info over and uploading transactions. It worked great for a couple of days and now I'm lucky if I can even get the stupid thing to log me in. I rely heavily upon my online registers and without them I am very lost. I put all of my bills, future and past, into the register so I know when and what needs to be paid every day. The fact that I can't log into my account more than half of the time is frustrating beyond words! I hate you Quicken Online, I hate you!!!! This isn't just a down day, or even a down week, it has been going on for months now. It is ridiculous. Then if I happen to be lucky enough to get into my account it won't download my transactions from my bank or kicks me off. So to my two readers out there, please please don't waste your time. Its a terrible program!

In other news, I started another round of fertility meds yesterday. It looks like our next IUI will be on the 27th or 28th. We are very hopeful that this round will work better than our last one.

Alright, I'm done bitching for today. Bye!

Four year old boys and company don't mix

Today was a long day. Today was the one day I decided to stay in my sweat pants. I don't do this often because I try really hard to be professional but I didn't have very many kids coming today and so I thought, what the hell.

There is an evil force out there that determines that the day I put my sweat pants on is the day that everybody comes to call. Last time I decided to stay in my sweats the health inspector showed up unexpectedly at my house, I was so insanely embarrassed!!!! Today I put my sweats on and all of my clients decided to stop by for friendly visits. I usually LOVE when my clients hang out to chat with me. I don't get a lot of adult interaction so I really do relish any adult time I can steal. But today, oh man, I was so embarrassed. Me in my stained and torn sweats, my greasy hair, unvacuumed house, no bra, torn sweater, and toys everywhere. Why today? Why? Now they all probably think that I look like this all of the time. To add to my utterly loathsome appearance was my son. He is generally on his worse behavior when I have company, I think he gauges the times when he can push Mommy damn near the edge and then decides to not only push her over but set her on fire and laugh as she falls. He was INSANE!!!!! INSANEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! There is no excuse for his behavior, he was horrible. He climbed, he screamed, he attacked baby girl and the mutt, he climbed on my clients who looked less than thrilled, and he threw fit after fit after fit. I wanted to scream and kick and lock him away but I could not. Why does he do this? I'm beginning to loose my confidence as a mother, my child is not a human but a tazmanian devil on a search and destroy mission of my home and my sanity. He's winning and I'm ready to just hand him the trophy.

I watch him sleep at night and his beatiful fat little cheeks squeeze up and down and I love him so much. My heart beats out of my chest with love for him. Then the morning comes and this thing, this crazed energizer bunny comes screaming into the room and I think to myself...."self, shit...shit...shit....are we going to make it through this day? Self? Hello, self? Shit, self ran away!"

Don't get me wrong, I do love Bubby, more than anything in this entire world. But I need a break. I wish my mom lived closer and my sister didn't move away. I wish my cousins weren't so self involved and would offer to help me like I have helped with their children. But most of all I wish that Bubby would stop spilling his carrots all over the couch and crawl into Mommy's lap and nestle his sweaty sticky little head on my shoulder and hug me and make everything else dissappear.