Today I went in for the first of many ultrasounds, it was the baseline to make sure that I don't have any cysts and that my lining is looking healthy. That all looked good and then I was talking to the nurse about how hard I've been working to loose all of the weight in order to be a part of their study and save 1500 bucks. I've lost 22 pounds and I've worked really really really hard to do it. Then they pulled me back into their little meeting room and sat me down and began telling me that they screwed up and I needed to meet the weight requirement the day that I signed up to be in this cycle for the in vitro. So, I never even had a chance of being in the study. Being the emotional and hormonal wreck that I am I started crying like a big blubbering baby. I've worked so hard and endured weeks of taking that stupid metphormin crap that made me so extremely ill that I could barely function just so I could loose the weight. ALL FOR NOTHING!!!!! Yes, now I'm at a healthier weight and that feels good but I stressed myself out for weeks trying to make the weight when I could have been concentrating on moving and my family. It was such a dissappointment.
After that I pulled myself together and went to check out at the front desk, where the most rediculously hair brained woman on earth works, and she proceeded to tell me that I had to pay them $4500.00 today or I wouldn't even be able to do the in vitro. This is BS because I called them weeks ago to make sure that we had all of our ducks in a row and that we wouldn't have to pay a big bunch of money unexpectedly. They assured me that we wouldn't and then this!!! I LOST IT! COMPLETELY LOST IT! I know that I'm uber-emotional right now, and I cry just thinking about the silliest things, but how dare they do this to me in my emotionally delicate position. They deal with people like me for a living, they should know better!
I called my mom and cried the entire way home, professing that I give up and I don't want to do this any more. This is honestly the most heart wrenching and horrible thing I've ever willingly put myself through. Then I went home and blubbered all over the Fuzzy Guy. Then I pulled out our bill and added up the numbers and realized that they are a bunch of billing tards over at that fertility clinic. The most I should owe is $2500.00 and I shouldn't have to pay any of it until after my insurance has been billed. After calling them and confirming I was right I felt much better but OH BOY what a morning!!!
On another subject entirely last night I watched a show called Steve-o: Demise and Rise. I'm not a huge Jackass fan or anything but drug and alcohol addiction affects everybody and I wanted to hear his story. It was probably one of the most disturbing and sad documentaries I've ever watched. It hit me really hard. I've had a lot of friends that were addicts and I saw so much of them in his story. I dated a guy in high school named Josh and I adored him. He was such a beautiful human being. I had a crush on him from middle school on and when we finally started dating I was on cloud 9. It was my freshman year and the relationship didn't last long but I always considered him my friend and always had a soft spot for him in my heart. Josh killed himself my junior year in high school. The night he killed himself I ran into him at the grocery store after not seeing him for over a year. His teeth were rotting, he was skinny and ashen, and he looked so lost. He called me later and asked if I could hang out with him but I couldn't. Later that night he was driving and a cop tried to pull him over, Josh took a gun out and shot himself driving down the road. I doubt that there was anything I would have been able to do to help him but I wish I could have told him that he was loved, that he was beautiful, and that his friends needed him. Steve-o's story is the story of so many people. So many beautiful lost souls. Josh was one of three people I loved who killed themselves that year. Addiction at the forefront of all of the suicides. So I dedicate this blog to Josh, we all miss you so much. I think about you all of the time, you were loved!
I've been a bit busy here lately and have had no, and I mean absolutely NO, desire to write. I'm tired, and frustrated, and excited, and happy, and grumpy all mixed up in one hormonal heap. As many of you know the Fuzzy guy and I are currently going through the in vitro process and that in itself is an incredibly stressful circumstance. But because I like to overachieve and stress myself and my family out to the maximum limits we've also decided to move. Not only are we moving but we are doing it ON the exact same weekend that I'm getting my eggs removed and the same week I have to spend two days in bed. See, I told you.
We are going in for the egg retrieval around the 17th of May and then around the 30th we will know if it worked. I can't tell you how scared I am. Years and years and years of hopes and dreams are riding on the results. Our chances are really good, the doctor thinks our chances are in the range of about 75% but I'm still scared. I'm still very young, all of my parts seem to be in working order with the help of a little (or a LOT) of medicines, and I've had a baby before which means they know I don't have a hostile womb. But still, OMG, what if? What if? I get these waves of complete panic running through my stomach, I've never been so nervous about anything in my life. The actual process doesn't scare me at all, just the end result. I feel like maybe I want it too bad, that maybe I haven't been a good enough mom to Bugs and I don't deserve another baby, that maybe because I am not religious I don't have the right to still hope and pray (to who or what I don't know but I still do it) for such a miracle. There is so very very much going through my mind. I'm trying to be positive, and for the most part I am, but the fear eats away at that sunny outer lining sometimes and I want to fall into a heap on the floor at mercy to the butterflies that are eating away at my stomach.
Moving. We are moving, as long as the idiots that are selling us the house come through with the inspection items, but there is still a chance they wont and then we spent all last weekend packing for nothing. That will be fun! Unpacking in the same house we packed up because the sellers are so cheap that you can hear their wallets squeak all the way out in Michigan. So keep your fingers crossed for us that everything works out with that. I'm very excited to move, the house is perfect. Four bedrooms, two large living rooms, a HUGE kitchen, fenced in back yard, attached garage, and on the ideal side of town. I saw this house on the market almost a year ago and fell in love with it but never really pursued it. Then by chance we were shown it and I fell in love with it even more and made an offer. The sellers Realtor is a major piece of work though, she has no concept for deadlines and even though we have the movers scheduled we honestly don't know for sure that we are moving. We only have 16 days left to finalize....uhg!!!!!!!!!
Finally, and perhaps the most frustrating of all, in order to save $1500.00 on the in vitro I've signed up to be in a study. The study has been extremely successful and I really want to be a part of it but in order to do that I have to loose a total of 33.4 pounds. I've lost 19 but I've hit a major plateau and I can't seem to get past it. I've been walking 3 to 5 miles almost every day of the week on top of pilates and turbo jam CD's but I still can't get past it. I've restricted my calories, cut out carbs, and stopped eating chocolate but I still can't get past it. I only have sixteen days left to loose 14.4 pounds and I'm sweating it. I would usually just take a bunch of laxatives and starve myself for a day or two to get past the hump but that is not healthy and I'm afraid it would really mess with the drugs I'm taking and my ability to create eggs so I'm doing it as healthily as I possibly can. And after the 10th of May I can't even exercise any more so that will make it all the more difficult. Any suggestions?
So to summarize, I'm excited, and scared, and frustrated. I really do think that soon I could be well on my way to pregoville which is my ultimate dream, hopefully as the mommy of twins if I am lucky. And hopefully the move and unpacking will help me keep my mind busy while I'm waiting that awful ten days for the results, and hopefully I can loose that last 14 pounds. So that is the update on me, I doubt I'll be writing again for a while so keep us in your thoughts and appreciate your children and your ability to breed if you have them because they truly are precious gifts.
When I was a kid I pretty much lived on antibiotics. I went from ear infection to ear infection, I always had sore throats and sinus infections, and my last year of high school I had mono three times. I don't think many people knew back then the horrible affects that antibiotics have on our immune system and our health. Since moving to Idaho and being surrounded by a lot of very natural and health conscious people I've become more and more aware of my body and what I put into it. Having Bubby was a HUGE influence on this, I want him to be as healthy as possible. My cousin gave me a book called Super Baby Foods when he was a baby and that was the beginning of my journey to give him the most natural foods possible. He only had a handful of jarred baby foods because I made all of his food organically and by hand. It was actually quiet easy and I felt so much better about what was going into his body. As he gets older I still try my best to keep him away from sugery artificial foods, give him organics whenever possible, and feed him a lot of whole grains. He still to this day eats plain yogurt, which I'm quiet proud of because the yogurt on the shelves now is so full of artificial sweeteners...uhg. I can't stand the stuff myself but I'm glad he can.
I guess my point is, Timmy and I are much healthier than many of the people I know. My ability to fight off sickness amazes me every day. I do my best to stay away from antibiotics and the difference is amazing!!!! Letting my body naturally fight off sickness is so much better and it takes less time. Timmy has only had to be on antibiotics twice in his life for ear infections and he is an incredibly healthy little man! I continually read about nutrition and the more I learn the better health my family is in. Yes I know some of you will read this and say, "but you are overweight, how can you really be that healthy?" True, and screw you for thinking that! By the way I know who you are....!!!! But I know I'm overweight, it is something my grandparents, my parents, and my sister and I all struggle with. It requires re-teaching our bodies to eat foods that they are not used to eating. Growing up it wasn't unusual to eat out a few times a week and so that is what I've also done since moving away. I'm trying to change this but it is a slow process. I'll get there, I won't teach my son the bad habits that I have.
Right now I'm reading a book given to me by one of my moms friends called The Makers Diet. She gave it to me because she had an extra but I don't think she ever really read it. I am NOT a religious person but the book makes sense. I encourage EVERYBODY to read this book and think very hard about the antibiotics and growth hormones and pesticides in our food and what they are doing to our bodies. I will never feed my son milk or meat with these things in it again. I honestly believe that these things are a major factor behind my continuing fertility issues. I'm not trying to preach, I'm not a perfect eater by any means, but I believe small changes help and this book seriously changed my life. Please please please go out and read it.
The whole point of this little tangent is that I have a really sore throat right now and I'm trying my best to be positive when I really just feel like crawling into my bed, sending all the kiddo's home, and turning off the world for a few days. I know this too shall pass but I really hate having a sore throat. So I've decided in addition to what I've already written I'm going to make a list of my favorite things, just to get my mind in a happier place...so here goes:
My favorite things:
Bubby The beginning of spring when the sun comes back and everything smells new and alive Camping Babies Home My Mommy My Sister Television (its terrible I know but I really love TV) Nutrition books Strawberry Milk My morning coffee Cream of wheat The closeness of my family My husbands wonderful insurance benefits (I can't be thankful enough for these.) Mangos Tacos Peach Pie The Twilight Books but mostly just Edward Cullen (SWOOOOOOOOOON) Robert Pattinson (I know, I'm such a teenybopper, how can you not love that boys smile???!!!) My neices and nephews (I wish I saw them more) Mac Computers The smurfs and The Snorks Boise, I really love where I live! HOme HOme HOme My friends, I'm so very very thankful for all of my friends, especially my girlies. Better homes and gardens cook books, they are so awesome My crockpot Blogs Wine Fondu My dog My red chair and my new old couch
Thank you for reading my blog guys, good luck and good health, happy Monday!!!!
Well its that time in the fertility process where I get super super super irritable. I can hardly stand myself, it makes me feel very sorry for Andy and Timmy. My stomach is bloated, everything hurts, I feel dizzy, and everybody and everything annoys me. I hate this part. It last for at least a week but last time it lasted almost two. My OPK turned positive this morning so tomorrow we are going in for our second IUI. I feel very positive about this cycle. I have two, almost three, mature follicles and we have all been healthy so I think maybe the stars will align this time. I sure hope so! I'm so freaking sick of this whole processes.
Andy's job seems to be secure right now but they arent handing out raises this year which I find extremely frustrating! It scares me that maybe our benefits will change in June as well. If this cycle doesn't work I think we are going to go ahead with IVF, I'm afraid after June our insurance may no longer offer such awesome fertility benefits. If that happens I don't want to have any regrets. I wanted to loose about thirty pounds before doing IVF but that doesn't give me much time so I'm not going to put it off just because of that.
This is such an emotional process, I don't know how many more cycles I can take. If the IVF doesnt work I'm going to take a year or two off. I want another baby so much but I can't neglect everything else in my life to reach that goal. Anyway, just some thoughts. Have a good Sunday!
Well it is Friday, its even pay day, and the money is already gone. I'm so tired of being broke. But broke as I am I can't feel too sorry for myself. The state the economy is in has done wonders for me believe it or not. I've always been one of those people that constantly wants things. I get a new car and a month later I'm ready for a new one. I move into a new house and am ready to move back out a few months later. I have a miracle baby and want four more. I think it is human nature to want what we don't have. Unfortunately in the past I would get what I wanted no matter the cost and it put my family into debt, causing a rift in my marriage and stress that I attribute to a plethora of my health problems. Now that the debt is gone, for the most part, I find myself wanting more and more and more. But the beauty of this is that I've learned a bit of self control. I believe that I can attribute this self control to growing up but it is something I struggle and work with every single day of my life. I've had to learn to leave my credit cards at home, to create and stick to a budget, to stop eating out, and not to spoil Bug with every toy he fancies. I've learned to appreciate the gas guzzling bitch of a Suburban I drive. It is uneconomical and terrible for the environment but I can't get rid of it because we are upside down. We are upside down on it because I kept trading in vehicle after vehicle for it, never happy with what I had. Now I have 3 1/2 years left to pay on it and once it is paid off I will OWN it, I've never really owned a vehicle outright before, except our $300 Chevy but even that took me six months to pay off. So I love my Suburban. I love the butt warming seats, the roomy interior, and its reliability. I love that we can take off camping in it and fit all of our friends in one vehicle. I love that I can see over all of the cars parked on the side of the street instead of having to just hope I'm not pulling in front of oncoming traffic.
In addition to my Suburban I've been obsessed lately with moving. I want so much to purchase a new home, I hate renting. The house we live in is so old and crappy, loud and mouldy, and there are spiders all over downstairs! But you know what, its cheap rent, great landlords, and roomy. Although it was my goal to be out of here by this summer I have decided to stick it out for one more year, until we really can afford what I want. This was a VERY hard decision for me, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for making this decision...on my own!
Finally, because of our fertility issues I've become even more thankful for the miracle that is my son. I love him so much and knowing how truly spectacular and unlikely it is that he is here makes me appreciate every minute detail that is my son. I know someday I'll be blessed with another baby, but Bug will always be a wonder. Created out of love not from doctors and drugs and tubes. Of course our next baby will be created out of love as well but in a very different and much more expensive way.
So I guess the point of all of this is a reflection. I'm learning and growing and I'm pretty proud of myself. I live day to day, counting pennies like never before but I'm learning something very valuable. To appreciate what I have, to love the people I'm with, and to be thankful for the roof over my head. I know that I have it much better than most, and thanks to this economy I've found a new appreciation for all I have.
I recently changed banks and was very sad to find out that my new bank did not have an online register, one where you can enter pending transactions and see spending reports, etc. Then I found Quicken online! It looked great, a less extravagant version of Quicken at home, accessible from anywhere, and did I mention FREE??? I was so excited and spent an entire afternoon transferring all of my info over and uploading transactions. It worked great for a couple of days and now I'm lucky if I can even get the stupid thing to log me in. I rely heavily upon my online registers and without them I am very lost. I put all of my bills, future and past, into the register so I know when and what needs to be paid every day. The fact that I can't log into my account more than half of the time is frustrating beyond words! I hate you Quicken Online, I hate you!!!! This isn't just a down day, or even a down week, it has been going on for months now. It is ridiculous. Then if I happen to be lucky enough to get into my account it won't download my transactions from my bank or kicks me off. So to my two readers out there, please please don't waste your time. Its a terrible program!
In other news, I started another round of fertility meds yesterday. It looks like our next IUI will be on the 27th or 28th. We are very hopeful that this round will work better than our last one.
Today was a long day. Today was the one day I decided to stay in my sweat pants. I don't do this often because I try really hard to be professional but I didn't have very many kids coming today and so I thought, what the hell.
There is an evil force out there that determines that the day I put my sweat pants on is the day that everybody comes to call. Last time I decided to stay in my sweats the health inspector showed up unexpectedly at my house, I was so insanely embarrassed!!!! Today I put my sweats on and all of my clients decided to stop by for friendly visits. I usually LOVE when my clients hang out to chat with me. I don't get a lot of adult interaction so I really do relish any adult time I can steal. But today, oh man, I was so embarrassed. Me in my stained and torn sweats, my greasy hair, unvacuumed house, no bra, torn sweater, and toys everywhere. Why today? Why? Now they all probably think that I look like this all of the time. To add to my utterly loathsome appearance was my son. He is generally on his worse behavior when I have company, I think he gauges the times when he can push Mommy damn near the edge and then decides to not only push her over but set her on fire and laugh as she falls. He was INSANE!!!!! INSANEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! There is no excuse for his behavior, he was horrible. He climbed, he screamed, he attacked baby girl and the mutt, he climbed on my clients who looked less than thrilled, and he threw fit after fit after fit. I wanted to scream and kick and lock him away but I could not. Why does he do this? I'm beginning to loose my confidence as a mother, my child is not a human but a tazmanian devil on a search and destroy mission of my home and my sanity. He's winning and I'm ready to just hand him the trophy.
I watch him sleep at night and his beatiful fat little cheeks squeeze up and down and I love him so much. My heart beats out of my chest with love for him. Then the morning comes and this thing, this crazed energizer bunny comes screaming into the room and I think to myself...."self, shit...shit...shit....are we going to make it through this day? Self? Hello, self? Shit, self ran away!"
Don't get me wrong, I do love Bubby, more than anything in this entire world. But I need a break. I wish my mom lived closer and my sister didn't move away. I wish my cousins weren't so self involved and would offer to help me like I have helped with their children. But most of all I wish that Bubby would stop spilling his carrots all over the couch and crawl into Mommy's lap and nestle his sweaty sticky little head on my shoulder and hug me and make everything else dissappear.