Rough Day

Today I went in for the first of many ultrasounds, it was the baseline to make sure that I don't have any cysts and that my lining is looking healthy. That all looked good and then I was talking to the nurse about how hard I've been working to loose all of the weight in order to be a part of their study and save 1500 bucks. I've lost 22 pounds and I've worked really really really hard to do it. Then they pulled me back into their little meeting room and sat me down and began telling me that they screwed up and I needed to meet the weight requirement the day that I signed up to be in this cycle for the in vitro. So, I never even had a chance of being in the study. Being the emotional and hormonal wreck that I am I started crying like a big blubbering baby. I've worked so hard and endured weeks of taking that stupid metphormin crap that made me so extremely ill that I could barely function just so I could loose the weight. ALL FOR NOTHING!!!!! Yes, now I'm at a healthier weight and that feels good but I stressed myself out for weeks trying to make the weight when I could have been concentrating on moving and my family. It was such a dissappointment.

After that I pulled myself together and went to check out at the front desk, where the most rediculously hair brained woman on earth works, and she proceeded to tell me that I had to pay them $4500.00 today or I wouldn't even be able to do the in vitro. This is BS because I called them weeks ago to make sure that we had all of our ducks in a row and that we wouldn't have to pay a big bunch of money unexpectedly. They assured me that we wouldn't and then this!!! I LOST IT! COMPLETELY LOST IT! I know that I'm uber-emotional right now, and I cry just thinking about the silliest things, but how dare they do this to me in my emotionally delicate position. They deal with people like me for a living, they should know better!

I called my mom and cried the entire way home, professing that I give up and I don't want to do this any more. This is honestly the most heart wrenching and horrible thing I've ever willingly put myself through. Then I went home and blubbered all over the Fuzzy Guy. Then I pulled out our bill and added up the numbers and realized that they are a bunch of billing tards over at that fertility clinic. The most I should owe is $2500.00 and I shouldn't have to pay any of it until after my insurance has been billed. After calling them and confirming I was right I felt much better but OH BOY what a morning!!!

On another subject entirely last night I watched a show called Steve-o: Demise and Rise. I'm not a huge Jackass fan or anything but drug and alcohol addiction affects everybody and I wanted to hear his story. It was probably one of the most disturbing and sad documentaries I've ever watched. It hit me really hard. I've had a lot of friends that were addicts and I saw so much of them in his story. I dated a guy in high school named Josh and I adored him. He was such a beautiful human being. I had a crush on him from middle school on and when we finally started dating I was on cloud 9. It was my freshman year and the relationship didn't last long but I always considered him my friend and always had a soft spot for him in my heart. Josh killed himself my junior year in high school. The night he killed himself I ran into him at the grocery store after not seeing him for over a year. His teeth were rotting, he was skinny and ashen, and he looked so lost. He called me later and asked if I could hang out with him but I couldn't. Later that night he was driving and a cop tried to pull him over, Josh took a gun out and shot himself driving down the road. I doubt that there was anything I would have been able to do to help him but I wish I could have told him that he was loved, that he was beautiful, and that his friends needed him. Steve-o's story is the story of so many people. So many beautiful lost souls. Josh was one of three people I loved who killed themselves that year. Addiction at the forefront of all of the suicides. So I dedicate this blog to Josh, we all miss you so much. I think about you all of the time, you were loved!