Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Short Update (Okay pretty freakin long update)

I've been a bit busy here lately and have had no, and I mean absolutely NO, desire to write. I'm tired, and frustrated, and excited, and happy, and grumpy all mixed up in one hormonal heap. As many of you know the Fuzzy guy and I are currently going through the in vitro process and that in itself is an incredibly stressful circumstance. But because I like to overachieve and stress myself and my family out to the maximum limits we've also decided to move. Not only are we moving but we are doing it ON the exact same weekend that I'm getting my eggs removed and the same week I have to spend two days in bed. See, I told you.

We are going in for the egg retrieval around the 17th of May and then around the 30th we will know if it worked. I can't tell you how scared I am. Years and years and years of hopes and dreams are riding on the results. Our chances are really good, the doctor thinks our chances are in the range of about 75% but I'm still scared. I'm still very young, all of my parts seem to be in working order with the help of a little (or a LOT) of medicines, and I've had a baby before which means they know I don't have a hostile womb. But still, OMG, what if? What if? I get these waves of complete panic running through my stomach, I've never been so nervous about anything in my life. The actual process doesn't scare me at all, just the end result. I feel like maybe I want it too bad, that maybe I haven't been a good enough mom to Bugs and I don't deserve another baby, that maybe because I am not religious I don't have the right to still hope and pray (to who or what I don't know but I still do it) for such a miracle. There is so very very much going through my mind. I'm trying to be positive, and for the most part I am, but the fear eats away at that sunny outer lining sometimes and I want to fall into a heap on the floor at mercy to the butterflies that are eating away at my stomach.

Moving. We are moving, as long as the idiots that are selling us the house come through with the inspection items, but there is still a chance they wont and then we spent all last weekend packing for nothing. That will be fun! Unpacking in the same house we packed up because the sellers are so cheap that you can hear their wallets squeak all the way out in Michigan. So keep your fingers crossed for us that everything works out with that. I'm very excited to move, the house is perfect. Four bedrooms, two large living rooms, a HUGE kitchen, fenced in back yard, attached garage, and on the ideal side of town. I saw this house on the market almost a year ago and fell in love with it but never really pursued it. Then by chance we were shown it and I fell in love with it even more and made an offer. The sellers Realtor is a major piece of work though, she has no concept for deadlines and even though we have the movers scheduled we honestly don't know for sure that we are moving. We only have 16 days left to finalize....uhg!!!!!!!!!

Finally, and perhaps the most frustrating of all, in order to save $1500.00 on the in vitro I've signed up to be in a study. The study has been extremely successful and I really want to be a part of it but in order to do that I have to loose a total of 33.4 pounds. I've lost 19 but I've hit a major plateau and I can't seem to get past it. I've been walking 3 to 5 miles almost every day of the week on top of pilates and turbo jam CD's but I still can't get past it. I've restricted my calories, cut out carbs, and stopped eating chocolate but I still can't get past it. I only have sixteen days left to loose 14.4 pounds and I'm sweating it. I would usually just take a bunch of laxatives and starve myself for a day or two to get past the hump but that is not healthy and I'm afraid it would really mess with the drugs I'm taking and my ability to create eggs so I'm doing it as healthily as I possibly can. And after the 10th of May I can't even exercise any more so that will make it all the more difficult. Any suggestions?

So to summarize, I'm excited, and scared, and frustrated. I really do think that soon I could be well on my way to pregoville which is my ultimate dream, hopefully as the mommy of twins if I am lucky. And hopefully the move and unpacking will help me keep my mind busy while I'm waiting that awful ten days for the results, and hopefully I can loose that last 14 pounds. So that is the update on me, I doubt I'll be writing again for a while so keep us in your thoughts and appreciate your children and your ability to breed if you have them because they truly are precious gifts.

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