I started this blog with the intention of it being a lighthearted journey through my life as a child care provider. Unfortunately, the lightheartedness isn't within me lately. I take my job very seriously, I strive to always be honest and professional with my clients, to keep a clean house, to cook healthy food, and to maintain my presence of mind no matter how insane my day can become. Some days I find this really hard. Some days my personal life overshadows my work. For the one or two people out there that reads this there is something you should probably know about me. I want another baby. I want another baby so bad that it physically aches inside of me. We've been trying for over three years with no luck at all. Last month we tried again, and this time I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I thought that if I put all of my positive energy out into the environment that it would help. I made myself believe that it could happen, I allowed myself to believe that miracles really did happen. And yet, it did not happen. It is heartbreaking. Over and over and over again I find myself deflated, and yet I cannot stop trying. Getting through a day after yet another failed attempt is almost impossible. Yet I must. I have children to feed, diapers to change, a house to clean, and clients to please.
I am sad but it is not all lost on me. After all, I do have one miracle baby. With every failed attempt at another I am brought closer to how truly unimaginable it is that I was ever able to have my son. I really do believe he was a gift given to the Fuzzy Guy and I. Without him we would not be a family, I would not have the most amazing husband on earth and the most beautiful little boy to ever live. I don't know how it is that he was created, maybe perfect timing mixed with love and yearning. I always knew I wanted him, from the time I was a little girl I knew I was put on earth to be a mother. I can't say I'm the best one, in fact some days I feel like the worst mom on earth, on the days when I yell a little to much or don't give my little man my complete attention when he is doing something amazing. But I was meant to be his mom and I love him with everything inside of me. I love him so much it is actually physically painful.
I don't really know my point in writing this post but I needed and outlet. I don't tell a lot of people what I go through each month trying to conceive, I don't think many people really understand the yearning that a woman who cannot conceive posses. Although I do know a few people who have had it even harder than me trying to conceive and I'm sure they too can share my feelings.
Love your children, cherish them, they really are...........
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